i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
