I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
