She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
