OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
