the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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