god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
