Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
