when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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