How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
