Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think I just sharted jello shots
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
