You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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