I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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