I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So many bounce houses so little time
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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