Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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