The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
