i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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