I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
