Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As shirtless as possible
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
