I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
