I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
