There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is Oprah even human
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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