Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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