You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
