I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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