My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
