So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
