Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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