I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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