booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
