im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Someone shit on the floor
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Alive.
So much puke
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
