yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
