She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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