I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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