Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
