I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
