All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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