Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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