That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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