Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
