the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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