my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
