fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
