I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
