I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
