You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
