I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
