Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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