i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
