I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
