I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
